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Inviting your gay friends to your wedding is like getting into a country club that doesn't allow black people and inviting all your black friends to a party to celebrate.
Then again, NOT inviting your gay friends to your wedding is kinda douchey too.

If you are/were in a heterosexual relationship and got legally married in an area where gay people were not allowed to get married, and invited gay people to your wedding/reception, did this cross your mind?

Sheila & I went to a wedding a few weekends ago for a friend of her family's.  While I am happy for the newlyweds, each wedding we attend is a painful reminder for us as well.  We are going on 8 years together (engaged for 7 of those), bought a house together, had a baby together, and still can't get married.

I really admire heterosexual couples who choose not to get married until everyone can, but to be honest, I don't know if I'd be able to do it myself... especially if there were children involved, just because of all the legal protections that marriage gives to the kids.  Then again, straight couples can share legal custody of their children without being married.  In most states (including mine), gay people can't even do that.

I can't start thinking about this now or I'll be up all night.
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Back before I became a mother, I swore I would never turn into one of those smug bitches who goes around all the time talking about how meaningful it is to be a mom and how anyone who has never done it couldn't possibly understand.  So I'll just say it once... it's so meaningful to be a mom, and if you haven't done it, you couldn't possibly understand.

Having Danica has been so good for me.  She has inspired me to take a closer look at my life and the people I choose to have in it, and think about the effect that they have on the way I experience the world.  I don't care to bring her up around a bunch of drama.  I need to be around people who are grounded, stable, and centered so I can give her the solid emotional foundation that she deserves.  I have become very picky about the people who I spend time with, perhaps too much so.  

Okay, so I'm isolating because I'm scared to get wrapped up again with someone who might wind up hurting me.  It's a lesson to learn.  I need to trust, but also be careful who I give my trust to.  I'm not sure that I'm ready to do that because I feel like anytime I let someone new into my life, I'm also letting them into Danica's life.  By having higher standards for her, I'm also having higher standards for myself.  In the end, this will be good for me, if I can learn to trust again.   I need to set a good example and teach Danica that taking emotional risks by opening up to people is a worthwhile thing to do because even if a friendship doesn't last forever, that doesn't mean that it can't sustain you and serve a very fulfilling role in your life for a period of time.  It's better to have loved and lost, and all that jazz.

Now I need to take my own advice.  I have so many opportunities to make new friends right now.  I'm meeting tons of new people all the time who share a lot of my interests.  It's time for me to take a deep breath and jump in.

Pregnancy Advice

This is something I wrote on my Facebook not too long ago.  Wanted to share it here as well.

I'm fascinated by how we, as a society, treat pregnant women. A lot of the attention I got when I was pregnant wasn't very positive, even though I don't think it was meant that way. People just didn't give their words and what message they were conveying a second thought. If I had a backache, people would tell me how much worse labor was going to hurt. If I was tired, people would tell me how much less sleep I would get once I was caring for a newborn. And of course, everyone had unsolicited advice about what I should be eating, doing, taking, and even wearing. The only really good, solid, encouraging advice I got was from my mother. Forget what you think about mothers being obnoxious when their daughters are pregnant for just a moment, because my mom was actually pretty awesome. When I approached and passed my due date (and kept going), she was one of the only people who WASN'T calling me every day to see if I "had that baby yet". She never once told me what to eat, do, take, or wear. What she did tell me was, "follow your instincts because you know your body and your baby better than anyone." It's like she knew exactly where everyone else had been chipping away at my psyche and was able to inject the proper dose of encouragement right into that spot. That was HER motherly instinct coming through, and it was exactly what I needed.
So anyway, that thought has been rattling around in my head ever since I found out that someone else in my life has been freshly impregnated (congrats, you know who you are!). My only bit of unsolicited advice to that person, and to every pregnant woman I encounter for the rest of my life, will be "follow your instincts because you know your body and your baby better than anyone!"

(no subject)

I don't think I'm going to post pictures here too often anymore because it's just so much easier to do it on Facebook instead of uploading them to Photobucket and then copy & pasting the code here.
My Facebook is here... add me if you want to see boatloads of cute Danica pics!  Be sure to tell me your LJ username if I wouldn't recognize you by your Facebook name, as I don't usually approve add requests from people I don't know.
I'm still going to keep journaling here though.

(no subject)

Everywhere we go, we hear, "oh my gosh, look at her hair!"
Just for the record, yes, we have noticed her hair.

With my parents.  She looks SO MUCH like me as a baby in this picture, it's scary.
I'm going to have to scan an old picture of me and do a side-by-side.

Always with the smiles  :)

Helping her grandma blow out birthday candles.  Or maybe she's just staring off into space.
It's hard to tell when one is only 8 weeks old.

In other news, Danica's eyes are turning SO BLUE.  I really need to get a decent picture of them in the sunlight.

the journey to motherhood, in 500 words or less

My baby?  I love her so much that it hurts.  And that's kind of scary.
Motherhood is like this totally primal, supernatural force.  It's looking at this little person who you barely know and realizing that you would do ANYTHING for them.  You would give your life for them.  And you can't turn that feeling off or control it.  In no other aspect of life do you even approach that level of emotional intensity with another living creature without knowing hardly anything about them.  It's the true definition of unconditional love.  It's a huge risk, an enormous vulnerability, and I'm powerless over it.  I can't be away from her for more than a handful of hours at a time without getting anxious and worrying about her and obsessing about her and verging on panic.  It feels like my heart has gone wandering outside my body.
The forces of nature are so powerful that they have turned ME into someone who can't live without her baby.  For the first 28 years of my life, I never thought I would ever want to have a child.  I hated kids.  Then it happened.  Slowly at first, but it started to sink in.  I realized that my life needed to be about someone other than just myself.  That's the simple, super-short version of events.  Of course, it's so much more complicated than that.  There were a series of losses, minor tragedies in my life.  I swore that the next time I loved someone, it would be someone who would outlive me.  And I reached the point where I had healed enough from my own childhood that I could step back and look at it more objectively.  I could finally put it in the backseat, in the past where it belonged, and move forward.  Those old wounds kept me stuck in the past for so long that I wasn't ready to dedicate myself to a person who would force me to let it go just yet.
If I had decided to have a kid any earlier in my life, in my early or mid twenties for example, I don't think I would have been a very good mom.  Aside from the fact that I didn't even WANT a kid at that point, I was too self-absorbed.  But I needed to be.  Even though it was sometimes counterproductive to growing up, it was what ultimately allowed me to process things to death until I was ready to move on.  I had to act out all the bullshit that I was still holding onto without any additional responsibilities.  I had to get it out of my system.
Then I grew up.  And I realized that kids weren't scary & evil anymore, and I had healed enough to have the ability and the desire to treat a child so much better than the way I had been treated.  
I'm still not really a "kid person".  You know those people who LOVE kids to bits... enough to work with them or dedicate their lives to saving them?  Not me.  I'm really not much more drawn to other people's kids than I ever was.  The biggest difference is that I'm not terrified of them anymore.  
Now I have my own kid who has stolen my heart and who brings about emotions in me that I could spend all night trying (and failing) to put into words.


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Danica had her 1 month checkup the other day.  She is 10.4 pounds and 22.75 inches, which puts her in the 90th percentile for height and weight.  Perfectly in proportion, just BIG  :)
She's already outgrown half a package of newborn diapers, a pair of socks, and her newborn sized footie pajamas (in which she cannot straighten her looooong legs out).  And the newborn onesies are getting snug.
I bet she'll be taller than me by the time she's 12!  Boob juice definitely agrees with her.  And she's actually sleeping for 6-7 hour stretches at night now, which I understand is quite impressive for such a young beeb.
In other news, I think we're about to give up on the cloth diapers.  Sheila's co-workers gave us 6 weeks of a cloth diaper service which supplies prefolds and covers, but they explode everywhere when she craps, I don't like how saturated they get (and stay) against her skin when she pees in them, and I simply cannot do origami on a flailing baby at 6 o'clock in the morning when I can't even see straight from lack of sleep.  It's a great concept, but it's just not working for us.  It's super messy, and we're not even washing them ourselves.
As you can tell from the pictures, Danica's hair gets super curly when it's wet.  It's hilarious.  It's smooth as silk when it's dry, but it gets oily fast from everyone touching it.
Also, when I found out that I was having a girl, I swore I would never dress her head-to-toe in pink.  But the other day, it happened.  I can't help it.  She's just SO EFFING CUTE.


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