1.  sheila and closed on our house today.  we signed our lives away, and we're moving on wednesday.
alice is helping us pack the truck on tuesday night.  my mom and dad are helping unpack a little on wednesday, and sheila's mom & grandma are coming down that day also.  though i don't know if they intend on helping or what.  plus i think alice will help us on wednesday too (right, alice?) .
syd is coming up on thursday and staying the night, and hopefully we can get cherie over to take a look at the space where i want her to do a mural and we can go paint shopping.

2.  we adopted another dog.  she was rescued from a neglect situation.  we drove over 3 hours in a snow storm with white-out conditions just so that she would not have to spend another night outside.  cute little red & white beagle.  about 3 or 4 yrs old.  got her a dental, a spay, a microchip and some shots, and named her olive.  she's mostly sheila's little girl, which is good because charlie's such a one-person dog, and i am his one person.  charlie doesn't really appreciate olive (1 uptight older phobic dog who does not know how to play + 1 hyper playful obnoxious energetic dog = do not want).  when we take the two of them over to my mom's to be with her 2 dogs, olive and emma (her paws with a cause foster puppy) tear around the yard and work out all their wiggles, while charlie and daisy (the old man and the old lady) relax inside.

3.  so yeah, i've had a lot more contact with my mom lately.  mostly it's been good, but i'm very nervous that things are going too quickly.  and it would totally be my own fault too, because i call her all the time, and we get together and do stuff.  too often, i think.  i kind of miss the feeling i had when we were not in touch as much... i felt more independent and more proud.  i have a hard time letting myself depend on other people.  i wish we could hang out as friends instead of mother/daughter.  as hard as you can try to make that happen, there always IS a mother/daughter dynamic there and it will never go away.  plus with the two of us being in such completely different income & socioeconomic brackets, there's always a feeling of inequality.  i would rather be her equal, but these factors, plus others, make that not an option.

anyway, pics of 1 & 2 are forthcoming, but i think i might need to buy a new camera first.  i've been looking around at them, but i have such a hard time making a decision.  the one i have now doesn't work right anymore, but i don't want to learn how to use a new one!  it's one of those things that stresses me out way more than it should.  i mean, this morning, i bought A SHITTIN' HOUSE.  (and a fucking entertainment system but we don't need to talk about that right now).  yet i can't pick out a camera.

oh, ps, if you want to see pics of emma, go here.  note the date.  she has doubled in size since then!

we're going to make an offer.
EDIT: maybe.  the more i find out, the iffier it gets.

the crap that i got myself into over the weekend has led way (i think) to a head cold.  the whole situation took such a toll on me that i'm assuming it compromised my immune system just enough to catch a bug.  kind of annoying, but not debilitating.  just stupid.  i can't believe i didn't keep closer track of my meds to know when they were running out.  it's more of a challenge when you use a pill holder instead of opening up the bottle every day and looking inside.

our offer on the house isn't looking too good.  they got another offer that i think they're gonna go with instead.  that's okay though.  there are more houses.  AND, yesterday afternoon we were finally able to turn in the rest of our paperwork and documents for the home loan application, and we FINALLY have a pre-approval letter in hand!  you have no idea how excited i am about this.  it really means a lot when you are looking at homes and making offers.  people take you a LOT more seriously.

alice and i went to the trans group a couple days ago and had a good time.  we all went out to dinner after the meeting.  they're such a fun group of people.  as always, i feel lucky to know them.  they're so good humored and passionate and we never fail to have fun.

in other news, i have recently updated my user info (finally)... go take a look! 
fyi: all the names of pets and friends are links to pictures of them.  i don't know if people assume this or just think it's underlined text.

well.
we just made an offer on a house last night.
haven't heard back yet.  i just called and let my realtor know that i'll be calling her every two hours for the rest of the weekend because i'm nervous.  i bet she loves me.

so it's 1200 sq ft, 3 bdrms, 1.5 baths, fenced yard, 1.5 car garage, 3 season porch, finished area in basement, finished area in attic, firepit in backyard, newer kitchen, original (1920) woodwork & wood floors, etc.  1.5 blocks from the farmer's market.  on 2 different bus routes.  much closer to downtown and sheila's work.  it's a steal so we're only coming in at 1k below list price, but we're asking them to replace the furnace (it's an octopus!) and pay closing costs.  contingent upon home inspection and home loan approval.




cross your toes for us.  we really love this one!

my back has been pretty consistently painful these past couple days.  i mean, it almost always is anyway, but even more annoyingly so now.  if i think of it as anything other than "annoying", i'd probably cry.  same goes for the foot pain.  i'm tired of being in pain, but i'm in pain so often that it's more normal now than anything.  i was filling out a form before i had my massage about past medical issues, and i put down my scoliosis and plantar fasciitis, and the lady asked me if i was in pain, and i said yes.  then she asked if i was in pain yesterday, and i said yes.  then she asked what i did that caused it to flare up, and i said, "it just never flares DOWN!"
and i really really really really hate talking about it.  i can't believe i just said all of what i just said.  it's taking all my restraint to not hit the delete key over all that shit.

i'm such a jackass today.  sometimes i feel like i'm not a good mother to our animals.  i feel like i should take care of them before i take care of myself.  but then i don't take care of myself either.  i just sit around, stinkin' the place up.

my dreams are telling me that i spend too much time in the past.  i know that's where my obsessions lie.  it's so hard to move on.

my goal this week is to call the social security administration on monday, wednesday, and friday... and to call the local SS office on tuesday and thursday.  i will continue like this until money starts showing up.

i've sort of put my realtor on hold, and i'm sure she's getting irritated (or maybe i'm projecting... i'm DEFINITELY irritated with myself!).  i'm so tired of looking at houses.  though i really enjoy it, i get my hopes up and then realize we can't afford them.  i STILL need to sit down with a lender and get the nitty gritty details figured out after the money comes and before i can be completely comfortable with a price range.  we're probably going to get our loan through national city.

i need to get to the DHS this week... tuesday would probably be a good day... to drop off the rest of the information that is necessary to apply for food stamps and medicaid all over again.  having those will help quite a bit, and i'm pretty sure that at least the food stamps would pad our application on the mortgage.

i'm getting pretty excited about finally being in charge of my own finances, and am moving towards ways to make that happen regardless of the stupid representative payee situation.  there is an appeal process on that determination, but it might be too late.  they give you 60 days, but i'm not sure from when.  and even if that's a bust, there are ways around it.

there is some sort of mouse or rat (i couldn't get close enough to tell) living under the eaves on our balcony now, right where the sparrows used to nest.  i saw it run out and attack a frickin squirrel earlier today.  there was much squeaking, and the squirrel fell off the railing and the other little rodent-like creature ran back into his home so fast that i barely saw what happened.  i hope i can get a closer look at him soon.

sheila got eleven teeth pulled on friday.  i thought she'd be knocked out on vicodin all weekend, but no!  we went to the k-wings game on friday night.  it was a pretty good game, went into overtime, and then into a shoot-out.  we wound up losing, but it was only preseason, and it was still fun.  even on vicodin, sheila barely gets drowsy.  and the pain has been pretty manageable for her, so that's good too.

i did 2 loads of laundry today.  would have been 4, but i let one of our neighbors cut in.  i can finish tomorrow.  i went through all my clothes and put a bunch of stuff in a bag for goodwill, then rearranged everything, including my underwear drawer!  i did the semi-annual throwoutthesinglesocks ritual.  and i made room for charlies ever-expanding wardrobe in my dresser.  he's got half a drawer of his own now.

i miss my syd  :(

i've been awake all night.
bad, bad, bad me!

so as i'm looking through real estate listings, and getting all excited about what we can afford to buy and looking forward to owning our own home, it's a bittersweet experience for me.  now and then i'll stumble across a property like... a big farmhouse out in the middle of nowhere, or a huge piece of land in northern california (don't ask me how these are showing up in my searches).  right now, i am looking for a medium size family home within city limits with access to public transportation.  this is the most sensible thing to do, so that is what i'm doing.
but then when one of those other listings pops up (just to torment me), i think back to how i wanted my life to go when i was a kid.  i'd grow up and be adventurous and capable.  you know?  travel across the country and live somewhere exotic, beautiful, interesting.  and i always said i wanted a big farmhouse in the middle of the sticks with lots of animals.  but now i can't drive so am looking at homes closer to the city.  and in my state, i can barely care for the pets we keep in our apartment, nevermind horses and cows and pigs and chickens and sheep.
just thinking about it yanks at my heart.  i feel like i'm settling for something less.  or maybe i'm just pouting because i've finally grown up and become more realistic.