for anyone keeping track:

1. we traded in the p.o.s. 1996, 198k monte carlo for a silver 2004 dodge intrepid with 38k on it.  so in love!

2. we had a gas leak yesterday.  everyone is okay.  gas company had to be called, they came and found the leak (behind the stove) and shut it off.  now we can't use oven or stove until it's fixed.  not like we ever used it anyway.  now at least we have an excuse to eat out 7 days a week!

3. i haven't seen my therapist for about a month, and it's okay.  i'm on hiatus.  it's kind of nice to not spend so much time focusing on my problems.

4. we currently have 6 foster cats.  a litter of 4 that is 8 wks old, a 6mo old girl with cerebellar hypoplasia, and a 5yr old 18lb tabby with infected eyes.  lots of work, lots of love.


.

peaches is working today and won't be back until at least 9 tonight because she's going somewhere else after work.  some church thing.
i didn't see much of her at all yesterday either.
i've ordered pizza hut and am going to relax and listen to some my three shrinks podcasts.

boy, this entry is turning out to be about nothing.  i remember the days when i would update 3-5 times a day, just with what i was doing.  last night i slept x hours, then i had ____ for breakfast, etc.  now i only write about things that are important, mostly.  and even with some important things, i don't write about them because i don't want to think about them.  and this is a bad thing.  perhaps i should have mentioned that there was a frickin FIRE in our apartment building, in the apartment right across the hall from us, a few weeks ago, and the building had to be evacuated, and i freaked out because i was home alone and i couldn't get all the animals out, and the firefighters made me go sit in the ambulance because i ran outside with no coat, no socks or shoes, and it was like 25f or something (everyone wound up being okay though).
so there.  i wrote about it.  that was supposed to have been therapeutic or something.
i'm gonna go back to forgetting about it now.

Syd's recent updateyness has inspired me to write an actual update too.
We have secured mortgage prequalifications from 3 different lenders!  House hunting is still in progress.  Money should be here by the end of the month.  Of course, that's what I was told last month too.
We have a new kitten named Miles.  He is black & brown stripey patchy.
We also have a new kitten named Mikey.  He is black & white with extra toes and no tail.
Both of these were Sheila's doing WITHOUT consulting me!  So yeah, now we have 6 cats.  At least they're cute.
We also have a fresh, new lovebird named Teej.  (aka TJ, aka Turd Junior).  Be is a black masked blue.  Also Sheila's doing ;)
Last night, Alice and I saw The Brave One.  It's really good.  See it.  I cried so much at the end, but I still can't figure out why.
Then we went to Denny's and blew bubbles in our drinks.  And got sundaes and brought one home to Peaches.  And watched an episode of South Park.
I think we're going to a K-Wings game tonight.  The first preseason home game of the year!!!  :)
Some fun pics I've taken recently:


I haven't gotten any good pics of Mikey yet.  But just visualize it... a kitten with thumbs and a bunny butt!  Mikey and Pork have become fast friends.  Pork really likes kittens, but I think one of them got him on the nose the other day.  Right on the front, the most sensitive part, he's got a scratch.  It looks really painful, but I think it is going to be okay.  It's been there a couple days and we're keeping an eye on it.  There's nothing you can put on a cat's nose that won't be licked off in 2 minutes anyway.

charlie and i saw dawn today, which has helped, as it usually does.
so much bile pulsing through my veins.  i don't know what else to say right now.
i'll think of something.

i'm practicing this whole getting-up-early thing.  my hearing is tomorrow and i have to be there at 8am.
yesterday i woke up just full of anxiety, realizing how close the date was getting.  charlie and i walked down to the cable company to switch out our cable modem (did no good).  that killed about an hour.  on the way home, i was starting to get dizzy.  got in and took my blood sugar... normal.  i figured dehydration... i was SO sweaty.  drank a glass of water, got off my feet and started feeling better.  i called sheila at work and told her and she said to lie down and drink more water.  i got in bed and watched some Law & Order: SVU season 2 episodes.  eventually fell asleep and napped until sheila got home from work.  she went down to the pool, i did some dicken' around, we went dumpster diving for our dinner.  hit the jackpot at a bagel place, didn't do so well with the donuts.  many restaurants apparently have their dumpsters emptied on mondays.  i will make a note of that.  so when we got home, we had bagel sandwiches and fell asleep.  i was up again at 3am (didn't take my trazodone) and walked with charlie for a while.  took aforementioned trazodone, went back to sleep.
so... today... cable repair person is supposed to come between 8a - 12p.  i called and requested that they not come at the last minute, as i should leave by 12:30.  i have to walk to my appointment with dawn because we have no money for the bus.  it's 6 miles.  it may or may not be raining at that point, but at least it won't be too sweltering hot.  just have to remember to take water this time.  cherie is leaving her house key at the YWCA, where she works, for sheila to pick up.  then sheila will pick me up from dawn's after she gets out of work, and we will head up to grand rapids to get settled in and get ready for tomorrow morning.
in the mean time, i'm staying busy.  i'm listening to sheryl crow's self-titled album.  i used to listen to this album a lot when i was out biking around port oneida.  at leelanau. 
i used to be such a hard-core biker... you have no idea.  i did major miles every day.  technically, i wasn't supposed to be off-campus, but staff just sort of looked the other way because they knew it was good for me and at least i wasn't getting into trouble.  my bike and i have both gone downhill since then.  most of the expensive gear i had on it is lost/stolen/broken, the chain is rusted, and i'm fat with a bad back.
/poor me
anyway, the songs are calming.  they also make me nostalgic, which makes me depressed, but i'm trying to change that

sunday was really nice :)  we sat around, watched a movie, took a nap, went swimming, and then i took a looong walk with charlie after it cooled off in the evening.  i ate muffins all day.
i need to cut back on the damn lemon muffins.  i've made them so much that i have the recipe memorized, and you KNOW how hard it is for me to memorize ANYTHING.  but i'm out of shortening now, and i'm not buying any more!  i've gained 5 lbs, but there's more to it than just muffins.  ever since i was staying at syd's, i've been eating more and exercising less.
anyway, today i'm calling around, trying to find a primary care physician who will continue to write prescriptions for my non-psych meds.  i cannot afford to see my previous doctor now that i'm off medicaid and have no insurance of any kind, so i called the clinic that works on a sliding scale.  they said they need proof that i'm not working.  which means a letter from a physician (hello, i wouldn't be calling if i already HAD a physician), or social worker.  i dunno, maybe i can call my case worker at community mental health.  other than that, i have no idea.  it's easy to prove that you're working, but not so easy to prove that you're NOT working!  the lady on the phone tried to run things through with sheila's income and it's too high to qualify.  (yet, it's still not enough to pay full price for me to see a doctor... $50 up front, and they bill you for the rest).
so in the mean time, i'm out of a couple of my meds... ortho tri-cyclen (which i take for PCOS and without which i never have periods, which puts me at an elevated risk for endometrial cancer), and avandia (for pre-diabetes).  i'm also going to run out of synthroid at some point, but i have quite a bit of that stock piled in the cupboard.  the other stuff, i have no extra.  i guess i'll talk to my caseworker at community mental health, and see if there's anything he can do in regards to helping me prove that i'm not working.  *eyeroll*
9 days until my hearing.  i'm anxious, but doing okay.  definitely, better than last week.  i was able to relax a bit over the weekend, with sheila being home and all.

hope the rest of you are doing well, although i know several of you are not :(

EDIT: i spoke to my cmh case worker and he said he can make a copy of my "ability to pay" form that i can pick up tomorrow.  relief!

hello.
i have so much bullshit going on right now.  i'm trying to keep my head above water.  my brain has responded by pushing ALL of it away, for pretty much 23 hours each day.  and for that 1 hr that i'm actually thinking seriously about it, i am unable to think about more than 1 problem at a time.  literally unable.  i'm grateful for my head for making that small effort at self-preservation.  it helps.  everything is just too huge.
i'm reading a really overwhelming book that's sort of keeping me up on the edge too.  but it's something i need to read, for myself, because i need to have things IN my fucking life instead of pushing them away all the time until they build up and i explode with no apparent cause.



emc
May, 2007
Back Alley Art
Kalamazoo, MI

charlie and i had a very nice walk tonight.  the rain was just finishing up outside, and it was in the 60's, i think.
we saw 2 pair of canada geese that already have goslings!  they're getting an early start this year.
the other day we saw turtles and a beaver dam.  and a couple days before that we saw at least half a dozen deer grazing in a field at sunset.  they ran away when they saw us, and the rest of the walk home, in the dark, i was afraid that we were gonna get attacked by some big horny psychotic buck out of nowhere.
we have nice places to walk :)
charlie's foster mom, brachypelmic, came to visit last week.  charlie and syd were so happy to see each other.  we walked through a nice park and syd got to see charlie's fake-out peeing trick that he seems to have developed i taught him.  i think she got some good pics too.  i will post them here or link to them when she gets them online.
charlie has been living with us for a month now :)

our local UHL team, kalamazoo wings, are in the eastern conference finals for the colonial cup.  we saw them play flint a couple weeks ago, and we're going to see them play muskegon this week.  i love going to hockey games.  best. sport. ever.

does anyone know why i woke up with sore pecs this morning?
i can't figure it out.

neeners is in my lap, getting kisses and cuddles.

pork got his re-check urinalysis today, but it'll be another day, maybe two, for the vet to call with the results (really dumb, as a UA takes less than ten minutes).

i'm seeing my therapist again tomorrow.
i look forward to seeing her.  is that wrong?  i don't think so.  at some point i came under the assumption that therapy wasn't supposed to be something enjoyable.  but it's okay.  it's not like it's a party or anything.  i just crave that deep connection, and the nurturing that i need at that level.  i don't feel like that part of me is acknowledged anywhere else in my life (95% my own fault).  so i go see dawn and i cry and freak out and all that other shit, but it's cathartic.

the end.

our humane society walkathon is this weekend.  if you would like more information or to make a donation, click here for our fundraising page.
thanks to anyone who can help out by donating any amount :)

for locals who would like to stop by, it'll be at prairie view park on saturday afternoon.
it's gonna be a good time!


p.s.  MUCH thanks to those of you who have already donated:  oregonsongbird, foalstory, lezah, and sare!

charlie is going to be my psychiatric service dog.  his vest is on back order because they don't have the color i want (black) in stock.  but i chose to wait rather than get a different color, because it will only be 7 - 10 days.  his new collar is on order too and should be available in another couple weeks.  i got the leash already.  we'll have a matching set!
he's doing SO great.  i just don't have the words about how wonderful he is :)
yesterday sheila snuck him out to get a cheese dog at the a&w root beer stand while i was in blockbuster.  she tried to hide the evidence as soon as i came out of the store, but charlie had liquid cheese stuck to his beard... and then, a few minutes later, he was in the back seat and had his head up front, between the two of us, and he let out a belch.  it was OMG TEH CUTEST shit EVER!  plus he STILL had cheese sauce stuck to his beard.  lol.  he's so stealthy :P
last night we were walking down a street in our neighborhood past a house that we had passed dozens of times before.  we were walking on the street, as there is no sidewalk.  all of a sudden, this crotchedy old bitch comes flying out of her house, telling us to "get out of here" because this neighborhood is "full of crazies like you".  i was so flabbergasted that i just stood there staring at her, then she yells, "stop starting at me and get out of here!".  so of course i felt compelled to stare a little longer.  finally i said, "what's your problem?" and she went on and on about how she just got out of the hospital and didn't need my "type" hanging around her house. (fyi, my "type" at that moment was a 26 year old woman with reddish brown hair just below the shoulders, wearing blue jeans and a breast cancer research t-shirt, walking a well-behaved dog).  she started grumbling about how this neighborhood is getting worse and worse, so i told her that she should move away.  maybe i should have offered to find her a nursing home.
okay, i was seriously offended.  i'll admit it.  i don't care if she's 97 yrs old, she's still a miserable, dried up cunt.  and i love my neighborhood.  as almost all older neighborhoods become eventually, it's a lower class, maybe a little middle class type of neighborhood, but it isn't dangerous by ANY means.  what a stupid old hag.
to everyone thinking something right now about respect for the elderly, here's my opinion on respect:  respect is given when it is received.  i don't care if you're 5x my age, i don't care if you're my parents or anyone else's parents, i don't care what letters you have after your name, what office you're been elected to, or what war you've fought in.  i don't believe in unconditional respect.  that's just asinine.  i don't give respect to ANYONE who treats me like shit, regardless of their age or status.

i am soooo in love with charlie!
(omg, i sound like i'm in high school.)
i hope he knows how much i like him and how cute i think he is!
do you think he knows?
maybe i should pass him a note.

seriously, i've never been so in love with a dog before :)
we've been taking really long walks the past few days.  yesterday was 2 hrs to the portage library and back.  today was an hour and a half, all the way downtown to meet peaches after work.  we just walk and walk and walk.
sometimes we start running, and he gets galloping and his tail is straight up in the air and he prances down the hill with his tongue hanging out and is, for a moment, a happy healthy goofy dorky puppy.  i wish i could have given him this life from the beginning.

sometimes i just call him 'goodboycharlie' because that's pretty much all that can be said :)

and he had a wendy's jr. bacon cheeseburger for dinner tonight!
(in my defense though, he usually gets eagle pack holistic dog food.  even though brachypelmic said i could feed him ol' roy.)

i'm so happy with my life right now.  i woke up with charlie in bed with me this morning :)  he is getting used to climbing in bed with me while i'm sleeping, and is comfortable having me in very close contact now.  when we're walking, he'll look up at me and touch his nose to my left hand every few minutes, and i tell him what a good boy he is and how much i love him.
his muzzle is so soft, and he lets me kiss him on the face.
he doesn't flinch hardly at all anymore when i reach out to pet him, unless he's not expecting it.  and i know, secretly, that he actually LIKES the attention, though he won't admit it just yet.

he is making progress in leaps and bounds, every day :)
he is responding more and more to my voice.  it feels so good to have him respond to me!
we walked for about 3 hrs this morning.  charlie was pretty happy throughout.  the big pedestrian bridge that we were on at first scared him a bit, but he got used to it by the time we came back the second time around.  there was another bridge, and a tunnel under a road, and he did good with all of them.
i was completely exhausted when we got home.  i gave charlie a bath because he had mud-sicles hanging from his chest hair.  he did better with the bath than i thought he would.  he made quite a production about getting in, which i expected, because the floor is slippery.  (mental note: buy those grippy things that go in the bottom of the shower).  then i had to kind of corner him to get him to stay put for the bath, but he pretty much just gave up and stood there, looking all abused.
but he was SO happy as soon as he got out of the shower.  i towel-dried him as much as i could, then he ran around the apartment shaking off and rubbing up against things and rolling on the floor.  he was really going crazy.  i've seen dogs do this after showers before, but i NEVER expected it out of charlie!  he was actually running, jumping, and tail wagging.  way to go wild, chaz!  :)
and... haha... i was going to take a shower too, but i used all the hot water on the dog :P
end result: one happy, raspberry-lemonade scented dog!

i know you all (with the exception of syd) are probably tired of hearing about charlie, but i don't care.  so there.
i am fascinated with the progress he makes every day.  i am so glad that he is here with me and i can be the one to help him have a good life :)
right now, he is actually lying on the bed at the same time that neeners is lying on the bed!
our walk this morning was the best yet.  his tail was actually up and wagging for the entire first block!
several times he looked up at me and put his nose up to my hand  :)
we crossed milham and walked behind southland mall, then looped around and came back on the front side.
he still gets startled when we walk past an automatic sliding door and it opens, but it's more of a surprise thing rather than an all-out panic like it was the first few times.  he's also doing so much better with being around loud motorcycles.  being so near to a city is giving him opportunities to be in all sorts of new situations.  once the weather improves, we will head downtown on one of our mid-day walks.
we stopped in petco this morning so he could have a look around.  there was a friendly lady who was working there, and she was very nice to charlie.  she squatted down at his level and held out her hand for him to sniff, and she didn't try to pet him.  he needs to meet a new person like this every day. 
we were out for about an hour total.  it's pretty cold and sleety out there, but we bundled up and were okay.
and of course he started getting really interested in every twig and leaf on the ground as soon as we headed toward home.  i swear, we can be 12 blocks away, and he knows as soon as we're headed in the general direction of home.
i took his sweater off as soon as we got home because it was wet.  i agree with brachypelmic that he does really well and seems to feel more secure with his sweater.  but i don't want him to be too hot this summer, so i'm going to look around at some of the t-shirts.
here is the list of nicknames that he has accrued in the 5 days that he has been here so far:  charles, charlesworth, charles barkley, chuck, chucky, chuckles, chaz, cha-wee.  he is averaging more than one new nickname each day.  if he would just stop being so cute, this wouldn't happen!

my favorite thing about the weekend is waking up in bed next to these guys:



on saturday, we spent most of the day in lansing.  we went to the michigan historical museum, then we ate.  then we made pottery.  then we went to preuss pets (where i saw the poor bird that shannondk was supposedly going to buy quite a while ago).  then we met up with benn.  then we went to trippers, but it was SRO, so we went to club 505 instead.  it was FULL of lesbians.  by the time we left, there was a line going down the street of people waiting to get in.  (saturday night, st. patrick's day, college town, big game night.  what do you expect?)
we didn't get home until around 1:30am.

then today, we were lounging around, napping off and on and enjoying a quiet day.  we had no hot water, so we called the maintenance guy and he came over to fix it.  well, he's from a different property so doesn't know how everything works in these units.  even still, he neglected to figure out how to turn the water off before attempting to fix the issue at hand.  he had been here not even 5 minutes, when water went spraying EVERYWHERE.  and he couldn't figure out how to turn it off.  it flooded the kitchen, dining room, and half of the living room.  it dripped through the floor and into the apartment below us as well.  seriously HUGE mess.  the maintenance guy was soaked.  and it was filthy too, because there was tons of sediment from the bottom of the water heater.  after it had been sitting a few minutes, it started to stink.  the carpet people came and extracted the water.  they sanitized the carpet.  i allowed the chemicals this time because otherwise it really would have been a serious health hazard in a very short amount of time.  i moved all the animals to the bedroom and shut the door for the entire process.  they were not happy. 
so now we have 2 industrial blowers and an industrial dehumidifier going in the dining room area.  this is nothing new for neeners, dilly, turd, or ziggy, because this was a common occurence when we lived in the other unit with the crack in the foundation.  suck, but oh well.  it livened up our evening. 
we actually felt really bad for the guy who did it, because it was just a mistake.  i mean, yeah it was his fault, and it was pretty stupid for not making sure he knew how to turn it OFF before he started working.  but... everyone makes mistakes.  our downstairs neighbors took it in stride too.  they're pretty nice people.  i ran down there to warn them that the maintenance guy was coming to their unit, because they have more pets than they're supposed to (as do we).  they came up here a bit later after everyone had left to see what our damage looked like.  the biggest mess still left is all the sediment dried up on the kitchen floor and on the kitchen walls.  that's gonna be a pain in the ass, but it could be a lot worse.  we were able to move any wooden furniture out of the way in time so nothing really got ruined.
and oh yeah, after all that, when everyone left and i went to use the water, they hadn't turned it back on.
so back he came, because i sure as hell wasn't going to mess with it.
anyway, we now have hot water for the first time in almost 3 days.  yay!

sometimes it seems like i only find time to write about the bad stuff.
to be fair though, writing is therapeutic to me so i feel like i need it more when things are not going well.

this past week has been really great :)
sheila has been on spring break and we've been able to spend a lot more time together than usual.  last night we went to a k-wings hockey game.  we got caramel corn and cotton candy and i screamed when our team scored.  unfortunately they only did that once, and they lost, but it was fun anyway.  then we got donuts, then i picked up some things from the supermarket while sheila went to blockbuster.  she bought me a copy of talladega nights!

i think these things have contributed to me feeling so much better:
1.  sheila home every evening
2.  lexapro raised
3.  i know i won't have to see dr. ramesh ever again
4.  weather is getting nicer, more sun and warmer temps

next week:
1.  syd is coming up on monday.
2.  i'm seeind dawn @ 3pm on tuesday.
3.  i have a hearing on wednesday @ 2:30pm that i'm kind of nervous about, but i think it will be okay.  i've done this before, with far less certainty on the outcome.
4.  there is a trans meeting on wednesday evening @ 6:30pm  (though i don't know if i will go w/o sheila, who will be in class).
5.  on saturday (a week from today) there is a bake sale that i'll be donating to @ 9am.
6.  potluck saturday evening @ 5:30pm.

tonight i'm going out with greg, tara, and possibly sheila to go bowling.
i have a nice life, right now :)

just to catch up on the last few days:

hot tubbing on sunday night was wonderful.  we were both so relaxed after that.  it was really nice.
sheila's friend's baby died monday  morning.  completely unexpected.  she was sleeping with her baby (1mo old) and woke up and he was blue.  and that's it.  the docs haven't figured out what happened yet.
i woke up at 4am today and wasn't able to get back to sleep.  i had a good deal of anxiety around 8 - 10am (this is happening pretty consistently on therapy days for almost a month).  i felt better pretty much as soon as i left the house.  took the bus downtown, picked up a library book, then walked out to my eye doctor place to pick up my glasses, which hopefully i will never have to wear (how many more years can i get out of the same pair of contacts?).
i got to dawn's an hour and a half early because i took some different buses and got confused.  i read in the waiting room, then i fell asleep as i had been awake since 4am.
and then.  i was therapized.
then i went home and got right into bed and fell asleep.  now it's 10:30pm and i'm awake.  i'm going to be pissed if this messes up the rest of my sleep again.

yesterday evening was the potluck/dance thingie, which was really fun, as expected.  alice busted ass on the dance floor.  sheila and i swayed around like drunk people and belted out an obnoxious rendition of guns n' roses' "sweet child of mine".  spaghetti and donuts were had by myself.  i was determined to actually plan something nice to make for this potluck, but i wound up running into the grocery store at the last minute and buying a couple boxes of cookies.  at least i do not surprise myself.
alice came over after that and we watched hard candy, which i was expecting to be good, and it was.  it reminded me more of quee though, instead of syd.  i don't think syd would have the guts to castrate someone.
we went to the poetry & prose group at the resource center this afternoon, partly only because sheila had to show up to unlock the front door for them, but it turned out to be really fun, so we're going to go next time too.  it was me, sheila, and 4 other lesbians, each of whom were older than sheila and i put together.  so there was a bit of an age gap.  i try not to let that stop me, but sometimes it seems like the older generation of lesbians have their own little clique and aren't too interested in younger people.  they make lots of inside jokes and stuff.
tonight, sheila and i are going hot tubbing at oasis.  this was what i got her for valentine's day, this reservation tonight.  we're looking forward to it.

i had an appointment at the welfare office this morning so i was on the bus early.  after my appointment, i walked up to the food co-op for an orange juice and some hemp lip balm, then i went to the library and paid off some fines and got 3 books.  i'm trying to limit myself so i can keep things under control.  no more checking out 27 books at a time and keeping half of them late because i haven't even started reading them by the time they're due.

A Shining Affliction: A Story of Harm and Healing in Psychotherapy  by Annie G. Rogers, Ph.D
i'm halfway done with this one already.  i have read another book of hers in the past and found it engaging, if bizarre.  this book is very similar.  worth reading, though not worthy of leading by example.

Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think  by Brian Wansink, Ph.D
as overwritten as this topic is, this book looks like it might be a bit lighter and easier to take in casually than some of the more dense texts that go into more detail than i care about in regards to the biochemistry aspect of dining enjoyment.  this book seems to focus more on advertising techniques and why they work... the psyhological aspect of why we eat what we do.

The Mummy at the Dining Room Table: Eminent Therapists Reveal Their Most Unusual Cases  by Jeffrey A. Kottler and Jon Carlson
i have also read another book by them recently that was along the same lines.  i don't remember what it was called though.  something about therapists making mistakes.  and one or two of the "reputable" therapists that they interviewed said that they never made mistakes.  LOL.  anyway, not heavy reading, but definitely interesting.

i went to subway for lunch, hoping to run into sheila there, but i guess she ate somewhere else today.  i had a veggie sub and sat there reading for quite a while.  the family in the booth across from me was discussing what they were going to say in court.  there seemed to be a good deal of debate over which version of the story to tell the judge (something involving alcohol and cars, and the kid kept saying that he was going to say, "your honor, i was intoxicated but i did not drive the vehicle").  and then his dad or his mom would tell him to say something else instead.

i made brownies from scratch in a heart-shaped pan last night and they turned out really good, but i can't have more than a bite or two at a time because they're too sweet and make my teeth hurt.

so i saw my therapist at 3pm today.
back up.
i was really anxious this morning. so anxious that i almost called and canceled, but then i figured that if i stayed home, i'd probably just continue feeling like shit all day. but if i made myself go out and at least talk to dawn, i had a pretty good shot of feeling better later in the day.
so i left around 1pm, caught the bus downtown. paid on my library fines, got some OJ from the food co-op, and waited for my transfer.
and then i saw my therapist. and we talked about my dreams from the other night, and how the cats represent abandonment and the baby is my inner child and blah blah blah. (this is all more true than i care to admit right now, because there are certain emotions that i only let myself feel with dawn, and no one else sees them).
and we talked about my yearning for a mother-type person, that goes way back. i started seeking mother figures around the age of 12 or 13, and never really stopped, in some ways. trying to get some of the things that i never got from my real mother. protection and loyalty, etc. unconditional love. and we talked about how, therapeutically, the traditional thing to do in my situation now would be to learn how to provide those feelings to myself, but goddamn. she says there is still some legitimate need to feel those things from forces beyond myself, because the void is so deep. it's crazy how many of my dreams involve searching for someone to love me, take care of me, console me, protect me, care about me, stick up for me, keep me safe, etc. i feel so fucking needy. i AM so fucking needy.
and then we talked about living in the past. i actually brought this one up myself, toward the end of the hour, because it was something that i had been thinking about recently. i am well aware that i spend an unreasonable amount of time living in the past, and that there are so many wounds that i have not even begun to address, and if i put it all behind me now, it would still be there and come out in some other way. but i think about leelanau, especially, EVERY DAY. and i think about my mom. always my mom. i have very few plans or goals for the future, expect to be with sheila and take care of our animals. anything else is consistently overwhelming. (i have been waiting on an appeal date for social security disability benefits for nearly three years now).
anyway...
greg drove me home after he got out of work. i was expecting sheila to be here after she got out of work at 5, but i just remembered she goes straight to her 6pm class and isn't home until almost 9. her new job at borgess is going well. at least as far as one can tell after the first day!
it's pretty damn cold. we have some sort of advisory or watch or warning that involves snow and wind and coldness or something. they're pretty much all the same. they all mean, "stay inside".