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07 November 2010 @ 12:10 am
Inviting your gay friends to your wedding is like getting into a country club that doesn't allow black people and inviting all your black friends to a party to celebrate.
Then again, NOT inviting your gay friends to your wedding is kinda douchey too.

If you are/were in a heterosexual relationship and got legally married in an area where gay people were not allowed to get married, and invited gay people to your wedding/reception, did this cross your mind?

Sheila & I went to a wedding a few weekends ago for a friend of her family's.  While I am happy for the newlyweds, each wedding we attend is a painful reminder for us as well.  We are going on 8 years together (engaged for 7 of those), bought a house together, had a baby together, and still can't get married.

I really admire heterosexual couples who choose not to get married until everyone can, but to be honest, I don't know if I'd be able to do it myself... especially if there were children involved, just because of all the legal protections that marriage gives to the kids.  Then again, straight couples can share legal custody of their children without being married.  In most states (including mine), gay people can't even do that.

I can't start thinking about this now or I'll be up all night.
In my head: frustrated
Tserisatailypo on November 7th, 2010 06:48 am (UTC)
Well, I can't speak as the hetero person able to marry because I'm not and can't. *lol*

It hasn't really bothered me, personally. I've gone to tons of weddings -- for a while it was several a year, oi. We're just in that period of life, late 20s/early 30s, when all my friends/cousins/partner's friends and relatives were getting married. I think I would've felt bad if they didn't invite me. Heh.

It's not that I don't want to get legally married. There are soooo many reasons I want to. When my mom was dying, I had to sneak my wife in as my "sister". I'm terrified of one of us ending up in the ICU ourselves and having to deal with that crap. Not to mention insurance, immigration, etc. etc.

But other people's weddings don't remind me of what I don't have any more than day-to-day life I guess. We had a very beautiful commitment ceremony that was as awesome as anyone's legal wedding ever was. The celebration and ceremony was not denied to me. It's the everyday worries I have that my married friends never need to consider that are the painful reminders for me.

I really don't expect to be able to legally marry in my lifetime. Gay marriage -- I think so and hope so. But poly marriage? Not gonna happen. :/
Kristygirlx512 on November 7th, 2010 01:42 pm (UTC)
We thought about not getting married, or filing for domestic partnership, due to the ridiculousness of it all. But in the end I needed health insurance, wanted to change my name easily, and honestly took the easy way out.
four: boyfriend4bit4 on November 7th, 2010 03:27 pm (UTC)
Well, I moved to Canada, so it's not really an issue here, but I certainly can understand how it must feel to be excluded from marriage as an institution and then go to participate in other people's celebrations.

I guess that I feel like going to a friend's wedding is about supporting your friends more so than supporting the institution of marriage and its exclusivity. The wedding isn't about celebrating or even acknowledging the legal aspect of marriage. All the paperwork after the fact is about that. The wedding is generally more about the people (or the religious aspect, which I could not personally care any less about). A gay wedding is not any different than a straight wedding (except that one I went to in Philly on Halloween at midnight, where the vows were madlibs), what is different is the marriage and that's obviously from a recognition standpoint. So I guess, fuck the paperwork, celebrate the love. If it's a wedding for people you don't give two shits about, don't go. But if you love the people and support their lives together, share in it.

I guess my opinion is a good portion full of crap since I'm seeing things from an outside perspective though and I accept that. It's just that the way I see it, regardless of having a wedding or not, day to day life is the same. The wedding itself doesn't change that. Obviously, there are lots of gay couples who have weddings and sadly, that doesn't change shit for their lives after the wedding. They still don't have the family rights that hetero couples take for granted. I see the wedding as a symbol and the meaning of that symbol can be different things. It can either be a symbol of the legal meaning of marriage and the bullshit that the governments choose to impose upon it or a symbol of two people's love and their wanting you to share in that love. Or more to the point, it can be a celebration of a legal contract or a celebration of love.
Sunny Crittenden: Bubblessunnycrittenden on November 7th, 2010 10:49 pm (UTC)

You guys should just move to Canada and be my neighbours.
four: Dyslexia4bit4 on November 7th, 2010 11:34 pm (UTC)
K-zoo to Ontario, we tried it and it works.
one4theroadone4theroad on November 8th, 2010 01:41 am (UTC)
that's true! how many hours drive is it?
four: Palin4bit4 on November 8th, 2010 01:56 am (UTC)
I'd guess about 7 hours from where we love now. We were taking about taking a trip to Chicago and all I can think about is stopping for lunch in Kalamazoo. Maybe Cosmos or Martini's. Maybe a nice cup of coffee at 4th Coast. It's been 10 years and I'm dying just to pop into town even if it's just for lunch.

That probably doesn't help convince you to move to Canada does it lol?
one4theroadone4theroad on November 8th, 2010 02:06 am (UTC)
You should totally stop in K'zoo for at least a sandwich or coffee or something next time you're out this way.
And actually, I don't think Canada would take us anyway. Sheila has an Associates Degree but I'm on disability. Took me over 2 years to get it and we almost went homeless in the process... wouldn't want to go through that again.
four4bit4 on November 8th, 2010 02:22 am (UTC)
Yeah, that would be harsh. I guess we'll just have to keep educating and voting until they get rid of the douchie laws.

And I don't think anything would stop me from stopping somewhere if I got all the way there. I do have an ass tonne of friends in the area as well, so they'd kill me if I just drove past.
one4theroadone4theroad on November 8th, 2010 01:39 am (UTC)
Haha, I wish!
harley_raineharley_raine on February 3rd, 2011 08:31 pm (UTC)
My partner and i are living in Australia and it really is a pain to be invited to all these weddings of friends when we need to think up a game plan for when we get married. We're crossing our fingers the laws will change where we live before 2013 when we're planning for but its really hard to stay optimistic. Really considering moving somewhere where its legalised. Until then, many weddings to attend.